TOP 25 SIMPSON EPISODES OF THE LAST 25 YEARS (#5-1)

CHEF RICH: ::Adjusts tie on tuxedo t-shirt:: Big day, sir. You ready?

GONZO GREEN: ::Puts on pants:: On second thought, scratch that. I’m Donald Ducking it.

Well apparently I’ll be the sober one today. So here we are; the center of the shrubbery maze. We’ve tackled the minotaur, bested the giant, and defeated the sea monster. And now, it’s time for our prize. The moment of the Top 5 is at hand, everyone. If you need to catch up, good ol’ ChefRich has your back because you can check out the rest of the list here. And 5-1 is…RIGHT NOW!

Man, I was going to use a metaphor for where we are in the list too, but nevermind, I guess… Let’s do this!

5. Itchy And Scratchy Land (Season 6, Episode 4)

CHEFRICH: I’ve never been a fan of amusement parks. As a kid who grew up afraid of heights, roller coasters weren’t a big draw to me, but I would have gone to Itchy and Scratchy Land in a HEARTBEAT!

GONZO GREEN: Really? You saw how it turned out, didn’t you?

You’ve hung out with me at length, sir. You know I’m a bit warped. I don’t see this type of blatantly shady thrill coming out of a Disney or Six Flags.

Although it probably wouldn’t be too funny in person, the episode was nevertheless hilarious. I particularly love the scene where Bart can’t find a gift shop license plate with his name on it, and scoffs at the name Bort being an option, only to have a couple Borts right next to him. “Come along, Bort!” This episode also has some great references, including ANOTHER Jurassic Park one (or two, actually) and a nod to Hitchcock’s The Birds, with the situation at the Bird Sanctuary. I also love the expression on Bart & Lisa’s faces when Marge initially tells them they’re going to the Bird Sanctuary instead of Itchy & Scratchy Land.

My favorite scene is actually much different. When the Simpsons parked their car, I believe it was Homer who said, “Remember, we’re in the Itchy lot.” The camera pans out to show an obnoxious amount of parked cars in the enormous lot, with an equally obnoxious amount of cars in the Scratchy lot. Any time I am in a large lot my mind goes to this scene. I’m hard-pressed to think of many shows that have been able to reach into the viewers’ lives like that; when the simple act of parking a car triggers memories of a show that aired 19 years ago.

In the past I’ve credited episodes for the humor due to the entire town’s involvement, but this one does exceptionally well featuring just the Simpson family, and none of the other show regulars. And by “exceptionally well” I mean nonstop hilarity from start to finish. I lose it every time I see the scene where Homer is nervously crossing the border because it turns out he’s attempting to smuggle a trunk full of fruits and vegetables. Everything in this episode is perfectly balanced, well executed, and memorable.

4. Homer At The Bat (Season 3, Episode 17)

CHEFRICH: As fans of the New York Mets and Yankees, I feel as if neither one of us is fully qualified to talk about baseball. Good Lord, is there anything worse than watching our teams this year? Or in my Mets instance, EVERY year?

GONZO GREEN: I don’t want to talk about this year. I’m not used to the failure like you are. But anyway, in regard to the episode and its greatness, I could talk about the snappy early season writing, or I could talk about the references to The Natural, but we all know this episode is on here because of the cast. No episode of The Simpsons has a more impressive list of celebrity voices, and the lines they’re given and the situations they’re put into are brilliant. I still can’t look at current LA Angels Manager Mike Scioscia without thinking about his “tragic illness” or his lines about wanting a job that’s more blue collar, with “big machines and cool dials and stuff.” I also can’t see Don Mattingly without thinking he needs to shave his “sideburns.”

Ken Griffey Jr’s extremely swollen head, Ozzie Smith falling into an abyss, Darryl Strawberry jumping what seems like 200 feet to catch a fly ball over Homer; these were not mere men. These were gods. And this was during a time that steroids was quietly accepted or ::audible gasp:: not used!

Because I listen to the DVD commentary for episodes like a weirdo, I know that Griffey didn’t understand his line, “It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s invited,” and was actually quite angry about it. That doesn’t have anything to do with why this episode is great, but does anybody really need more convincing?

I’m all about parties in my mouth, so you’ve got me hooked. Wanna know a really small line that gives me really huge laughs? When Officer Lou calls Steve Sax “Saxxy Boy.” I cry every time I hear that. Such a deadpan delivery, almost as if it’s delivered the way I would hear it when I get arrested.

I also enjoy the line where the hypnotist is trying to get the team to say they’ll give 110%, but instead they reply, while still under hypnosis, “That’s impossible. No one can give more than 100 percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.” There are tons of lines that are just as funny, and almost every one of them somehow involves one of the big leaguers.

Lady – “My player piano!”
Steve Sax – ::Audible sigh::

And Bart & Lisa making Darryl Strawberry cry? Or the “Talkin’ Softball” song? Oh man, we should cut this before we go through the entire episode. Number 3?

Great idea! Let’s PLOW ahead! (See what I did there?)

3. Mr. Plow (Season 4, Episode 9)

GONZO GREEN: It would be a cheap cop-out to say an episode appears on this list simply because it’s “a classic,” but, well, here we are. This episode simply stands out from the rest. It has one simple plot line and a lot of very memorable quotes. And oh yeah, it made Adam West funny (well, intentionally funny) way before Family Guy ever existed.

CHEF RICH: Not gonna lie, I had a girl wear one of my chef coats in the bedroom. I was half-heartedly tempted to ask her to sing the Mr. Plow theme. How about an episode that features Barney as the antagonist?

Definitely a different spin. I love the scene where he shoots out Homer’s tires in “friendly competition.” Or the scene where Homer is test-driving the Russian car and the salesmen is pushing it and yelling, “Put it in H!”

And to have Homer play a big role in both endangering and saving Barney is great for moral value. Also, “Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch…” might just be the best line in this entire show, possibly top 5 in all the lines in the entirety of the Simpsons. Bold statement, I know, but that’s how funny it is.

I frequently use the line: “Now we play the waiting game…. Waiting game sucks, let’s play Hungry, Hungry Hippos!” Or Homer’s conversation with his brain and the line: “It’s a pornography store. I was buying pornography.” So many great lines. And the Mr. Plow commercial and jingle? Very few episodes are absolutely perfect, but this is definitely one of them.

2. Marge vs. The Monorail (Season 4, Episode 12)

I reckon this episode seals its place on the list from the very first scene. Homer’s parody of The Flintstone theme and subsequent collision with a chestnut tree slays me every time. And it’s not even the best song in the episode. That’s right folks (and correct me if I’m wrong, ChefRich) the Monorail song is by far the best song in the history of The Simpsons. It’s catchy, funny, and involves the whole town (and a one-time-use character voiced by Phil Hartman). Plus, the song ends with Homer messing it up and a loud “D’oh!” This episode is all kinds of winning.

The Flintstone’s parody is the reason I decided to invest in Depends. Literally piss-inducing. And you’re 100% right, “Monorail” is the penultimate song of the Simpsons franchise. Some come close, but none can reach the amount of popularity that “Monorail” was able to reach.

And although we often praise episodes for having dialogue that is witty, or topical, or sometimes even heartfelt, this one is unique in that almost every single line is just plain dumb. Hilarious, but dumb. Seriously, if you don’t believe me, go check it out. This episode highlights the ability of the writers to showcase not just an entire family, but an entire town, for the idiots that they are. They all ignorantly walk into a scam, and the only person who can save them is an out-of-towner, and also the only person in the episode who has any intelligent lines: the scientist (who is NOT Batman). I guess Leonard Nemoy (also not Batman) has a couple smart lines too, but you get the point.

The possums in the closet, the townsfolk in North Haverbrook, the donut saving all the townspeople, the escalator to nowhere…am I skipping any of the other huge laughs we glanced over or should we transition from silver to gold?

Well, I do love Homer’s line, “Does whiskey count as beer?” But I also want to make an observation about this list. Including “Marge vs. the Monorail,” we have three episodes in our Top 25 that feature humorous file photos of Homer on the news. In this one he’s smoking about six packs of cigarettes in his mouth at once, in “The Springfield Files” we saw him with his tongue stuck to a frozen pole, and in “Simpson Tide” they had a photo of him drinking whilst wearing Russian garb, shown after it was announced he was in control of a U.S. Submarine. Weird, right?

Your wealth of Simpsons knowledge is only dwarfed by your sheer animal magnetism and beautiful eyes. This world is lucky to have you, sir.

And up until this point everyone just called me crazy. Well I say paranoid schizophrenia my ass! You hear me, secret listening devices all over my apartment? Shove that in your pipes and smoke it.

1. Cape Feare (Season 5, Episode 2)

GONZO GREEN: So there you have it, numero uno. To be totally honest, I knew this episode would make the top slot before we even started this endeavor. And although I insisted it make the Top 25 from the get-go, I never tipped my hand to you by revealing this was my favorite, lest I create a bias early on. Yet once we had the list narrowed down to 25 and began ranking them, this episode didn’t even come up until it was the only one left. We never mentioned it once, as the other episodes slowly fell into place, a clear indicator that there is no question about our number one pick.

CHEF RICH: I knew this episode would make the top 5, but I do find it an act of fate that it fell to number one. There are so many hilarious scenes in this episode: “Wanna see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?!”, “Hello, Mr. Thompson!”, but hands down, the funniest scene in the entire mythos of the Simpsons is contained within this very episode. I present for your review: Sideshow Bob vs. The Rakes. Thoughts, Dr. Green?

To make a joke like that, that carries on until it’s not funny, and then continues until it’s funny again, was revolutionary at the time. They even reference it later in the episode when Sideshow Bob boards the houseboat. Also on this topic, I must say that Sideshow Bob is easily the greatest use of a guest voice in the entire series. Kelsey Grammar plays Bob perfectly as an intelligent & articulate homicidal maniac, and the biggest foil to Bart in the show. Cape Feare is the best illustration of this, as well as the best episode of all time.

I always thought the best use was Sideshow Luke Perry… go on…

Of course, a huge part of this episode is its clear references to numerous classic films, including Psycho, The Night of the Hunter, and of course, Cape Fear. There are additional references to classic horror films, and it all adds a suspenseful feel to a completely hilarious episode. And well scored! The score for this episode actually received an Emmy nomination. I have endless arguments for this episode, and I can endlessly watch it without ever growing tired of the jokes. Oh, and just for the record: this has some of the best quotes in any episode, yet I didn’t need to mention a single one to make my case.

I honestly think we’ve proven our point on this one. If aliens were to come down and ask me to show them perfection in comedy, I’d be tossing this episode in the DVD player faster than you can say, “anal probe.”

I think it would make their intergalactic journey totally worth it. Hopefully after all 25, you think our list was worth it. Either way, thanks for coming along with us.

Here’s to another 25 years. If for nothing else, just so Gonzo Green and I can do another list during our mid-life crisis. Thanks for joining us!

(@Gonzo_Green) is still working on his pre-life crisis.

(@chefrichBB) Shut up, Flanders.

@Bubbleblabber is gearing up for the 25th Season Premier of The Simpsons starting THIS Sunday Night on FOX!