Comic Review: Bravest Warriors 2014 Giant: Paralyzed Horse #1

It is time to recognize the most underrated Warrior – Beth’s Paralyzed Horse. This is the horse that realized the meaning of the universe, which resulted in his complete paralyzation. Despite his inability to move, he does everything he can to protect Beth from the evils that await her. This giant issue tells some of his tales.

The first story is “Jellyfish Beach.” On a beach covered with jellyfish, Beth reads a book to her horse. Chris arrives all welty because he forgot his de-jellification spray. As Beth runs off to get the spray for Chris, he flops down on the paralyzed horse. Chris tells the horse how he kinda like likes Beth but he doesn’t want to do anything about it. Meanwhile, the horse silently begs for this torture to end. Beth calls for Chris to join her. Shortly thereafter, future Chris shows up and tickles the Paralyzed Horse.

In the next story, “Flies,” the Paralyzed Horse is being tormented by flies trying to eat his eyeballs. Beth does everything she can to shoo them away with very little success. The rest of the Warriors show up for a mission but Beth convinces them to help her get rid of the flies instead. Sadly, everything they try fails. They eventually realize that the flies are sucking the smart from the Horse and they, too, will end up paralyzed.

“Got Your Back” is the third story in the issue. Chris and Beth are on a friend date at an uber miniature golf course. The Horse tries to protect Beth from a secret agent trying to attack the non-couple. Chris, somehow, makes an awesome shot, resulting in both free bags of Super Blaster Butter Bombnados and a hole in one. Beth goes to make her shot but the secret agent trips her with a grappling hook. She accidentally smacks Chris in the face with her club. Paralyzed Horse, in rat form, leaps forward to save Beth. However, neither Beth nor Chris need saving. They are just fine. Their date isn’t in any danger until the rest of the Warriors show up. The pair joins the rest of their friends, ending their own friend date.

We got a sneak peek of “Paralyzed with Hunger” in issue 3 of Bee & Puppycat. Basically, the Horse is hungry but he can’t move to get something to eat. Impossibear and Wallow are sitting near the Horse’s stable. The bear is eating sandwiches until a duck quacks at him. He throws a couple of sandwiches at the duck before Wallow reprimands him. Annoyed, Impossibear throws a sandwich into the Horse’s stall and storms off. Unfortunately for the Horse, the sandwich is still out of his reach. It sits there for days, taunting him with its deliciousness. Finally, Danny comes in to clean his stall. He finds the moldy sandwich and throws it away. Just as the Horse has given up all hope of sustenance, Jelly Kid arrives and shoves a piece of bread down the Horse’s throat. The Horse is grateful, until he realizes that he needs to poop.

The fifth and final story, “Outside The Realm of Time,” picks up as the Horse fights the Aeon Worm in the See-Through Zone. Despite giving all of his attention to the battle before him, the Horse sees Beth in danger. But he can’t let the Worm escape. Desperate to save his girl, the Horse pushes his telekinesis to the very limits and pokes the goop monster in the “eye.” This forces the monster to release all of the Warriors, saving Beth from imminent death. The Warriors can’t figure out who saved them so Danny tries to take the praise. Once again, the Horse notes that he would do anything to protect Beth.

I love Paralyzed Horse. It is awesome when the writers figure out a way to write him into an episode even though he can’t actually do anything. Even though most of these stories were pretty much the same (something happens, the horse can’t get away or help, the situation resolves itself), they were still pretty neat. Is it weird to think that an extremely immobile character is super interesting? I do wish that someone wrote a story that told more about what is going on inside the Horse’s head but maybe I am alone in my want to know more about the inner workings of the Horse’s mind. Either way, I did enjoy this issue. I hope that there will be an issue 2 in the near future.